You’re Not a Problem to Solve - The Healing Power of Being Felt, Not Fixed
- Katrina Steel
- Aug 3
- 3 min read
By Katrina Steel
So many people come to therapy thinking they’re broken.
They speak in language that reveals the weight they’ve been carrying:
“I need to fix this about myself.” “I just want to be normal.” “Something must be wrong with me.”
They believe that their pain is a problem. That their anxiety is a defect. That their grief, shame, or struggle is evidence of failure.
But more often than not, what they really need isn’t a fix. It’s to be felt.
When Healing Becomes Another Form of Self-Rejection
There’s a subtle, insidious way our culture sells us healing as a performance: Be calmer. Be more evolved. Be positive. Be healed.
So we start treating healing like a project. We set goals. We track progress. We measure our worth by how “regulated” we appear.
But healing that’s driven by the desire to get rid of parts of ourselves is still rooted in rejection. We’re still saying:
“This part of me doesn’t deserve to exist.” “This version of me is unlovable.”
That’s not healing. That’s self-abandonment dressed in spiritual language.
What Happens When We’re Truly Felt
True healing begins when someone, whether a therapist, a friend, or ourselves, meets us in our pain without trying to fix it.
When we are felt, when our sadness is acknowledged, our anger is allowed, our confusion is honoured, the nervous system settles. The inner world softens. And the part of us that has been fighting to be heard finally exhales.
Being felt says:
“You don’t have to prove anything to deserve care.” “You are allowed to be seen here - exactly as you are.”
This is co-regulation. This is emotional safety. This is where change begins, not through force, but through permission.
The Myth of "Better"
One of the greatest myths of personal growth is that you have to become “better” to be worthy of love, peace, or belonging.
But what if the goal isn’t to be better?
What if it’s to be honest?
To tell the truth about what hurts. To feel the ache that’s been avoided. To hold the part of you that you’ve been trying to exile for years.
When that part is met with compassion, not criticism, something extraordinary happens: It stops screaming. Not because it’s gone, but because it’s finally been heard.
Feeling as a Radical Act
In a world that teaches us to perform, numb, avoid, and optimise, to feel is radical.
To cry when you’re sad instead of shaming yourself. To stay in the body during discomfort instead of escaping. To let yourself want without apology. To honour your limits. To admit: I’m not okay right now, and not make that wrong.
This is what it means to be human. This is what it means to heal: Not by fixing yourself, but by befriending yourself.
How to Practice Feeling Instead of Fixing
Here are three gentle ways to begin:
1. Name the Experience Without Judgment
Instead of saying, “What’s wrong with me?”, try:
“I’m feeling something right now - can I stay with it for a moment?”
This shift softens your inner world and creates space for feeling to unfold naturally.
2. Meet Yourself Where You Are
If you’re anxious, don’t rush to calm down. If you’re grieving, don’t force joy. If you’re numb, don’t force insight. Just be with what is , even if it’s murky or uncomfortable.
Ask: What would it look like to offer presence to this state, not pressure?
3. Receive Support Without Needing a Solution
Sometimes the most healing thing someone can do is simply sit with you, no advice, no “fix it” energy, just presence. Seek out those people. Be that person for yourself.
Final Thoughts
You are not here to be flawless. You are here to be fully alive.
And that aliveness includes rage, fear, grief, joy, mess, tenderness, longing, uncertainty, and desire.
You are not a broken system to be debugged. You are a sacred being with layers to feel and stories to tell.
Let your healing be less about striving, and more about softening.
You don’t need to be fixed. You just need to be felt.
And in that feeling… something beautiful begins.
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