Trauma Bonds ~ Why We Stay & How to Leave

The Psychology of Trauma Bonds, Attachment, and Emotional Conditioning

By Katrina Steel

“I knew it wasn’t good for me… but I couldn’t let go.”

I’ve heard this sentence more times than I can count, from clients in my practice, from people I love, and at different points, from myself.

When Love Hurts but You Can't Let Go

Leaving a relationship that hurts, even when you know it’s not healthy can be one of the most emotionally complex things a person goes through.

We tend to blame ourselves for staying:

“What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I walk away?” “Do I not love myself enough?”

But what if the answer isn’t a flaw in your character, but a reflection of what your nervous system and attachment history have been conditioned to recognise as love?

Let’s unpack why this happens.

1. Attachment Wounding: When Love Equals Longing

Our earliest relational experiences create our attachment style. If we experienced inconsistent caregiving, emotional neglect, or conditional love, we often internalise the belief that we have to work for love, or that closeness is unpredictable or unsafe.

This is especially true for those with anxious attachment, who often feel drawn to emotionally unavailable or inconsistent partners, not because they want chaos, but because it mirrors the push-pull dynamic they knew growing up.

On the other hand, those with avoidant attachment may stay in relationships out of duty, fear of confrontation, or guilt, suppressing their needs and discomfort for the sake of “stability.”

These patterns are deeply ingrained, and often unconscious.

2. Trauma Bonds and Intermittent Reinforcement

One of the most powerful psychological forces that keeps people stuck in harmful dynamics is intermittent reinforcement, a concept from behavioural psychology.

This happens when a person is given just enough love, validation, or connection to keep them hoping, but not enough to feel safe or fulfilled.

Imagine a partner who is distant or critical most of the time, but occasionally love-bombs you or offers affection right when you’re about to give up. The nervous system learns to associate instability with intimacy, and your brain becomes wired to chase the next high.

This creates a trauma bond, a cycle of emotional reward and withdrawal that mimics addiction.

Just like any addiction, it’s not easy to walk away from, not because you're weak, but because your brain and body have been programmed to survive through attachment.

Love Was Never Meant to Be Earned

3. The Familiarity of Chaos

The human nervous system prefers the known over the unknown, even if the known is painful.

If you grew up in a home where love was entangled with tension, silence, control, or volatility, your body may now associate chaos with connection and safety with numbness or discomfort.

This is why healthy relationships can feel boring at first, not because they lack depth, but because they don’t activate the survival mechanisms you’re used to running on.

It takes time and intention to rewire this, to let your body learn that peace is not a threat, and love doesn’t have to hurt to be real.

4. Hope, Fantasy, and the Desire to Repair the Past

Sometimes we stay because we see their potential.We remember the good moments.We want to believe that if we just love them better, stay patient, or fix ourselves, then it will finally work.

Underneath this, there’s often a deeper, unconscious drive:

the desire to rewrite our earliest stories by finally “getting it right.”

This is not delusion. It’s longing.But sometimes, healing happens not through staying, but through grieving the fact that we never received what we needed… and choosing to give it to ourselves now.

5. Psychological Manipulation, Gaslighting & Cognitive Dissonance

Sometimes people don’t stay because they want to, they stay because over time, they have been slowly conditioned to believe they are the problem.

In emotionally or psychologically abusive relationships, the erosion of self-worth doesn’t happen all at once. It happens gradually, through criticism disguised as concern, blame masked as “honesty,” or affection that appears only when obedience is given.

This leads to cognitive dissonance which is a painful internal conflict between “This hurts” and “But they say it’s my fault… maybe I deserve it.”You begin to question your memory, your reactions, your worth. Gaslighting convinces you that your pain is an overreaction.

Your self-esteem is dismantled piece by piece, until leaving doesn’t feel like freedom, it feels like proof that you failed.

So you stay. Not because you don’t see the harm, but because you’ve been taught to believe that love must be earned, that you are to blame for the hurt, and that no one else would want you anyway.

6. The Fear of Leaving: When Staying Feels Safer Than Escape

Another reason people stay is simple and heartbreaking: leaving can be the most dangerous part.

Research shows that the risk of serious harm or homicide increases by 50–75% when a victim attempts to leave an abusive partner. Many survivors know this, either from experience, threats, or witnessing it happen to others.

In domestic violence cases, around 70–75% of intimate partner homicides occur when the victim tries to leave or shortly after leaving.

So they don’t stay because they are weak or because they don’t care about themselves.They stay because:

• They are afraid of retaliation, violence, or death for themselves or their children.

• They feel financially trapped, isolated from support systems, or legally powerless.

• They believe, with good reason, that there may be no safe way out.

Sometimes, survival means enduring what is familiar rather than risking what is unknown.

7. Leaving Safely: Support, Safety Plans, and Exit Paths

Leaving a harmful or abusive relationship is not a single moment of courage, it is often a carefully thought-out process of survival.

Because of the psychological, emotional, and physical risks involved, the safest way out is rarely impulsive. It is supported, planned, and protected.

Healing doesn’t just ask, “Why haven’t you left?”It asks instead:“How can you leave safely, and who can help you do that?”

Here’s what that process can look like:

1. Reaching Out for Support

You are not meant to do this alone.

• Speak to a trusted friend, therapist, support worker, or domestic violence service.

• Use coded language or safe words if your partner monitors your messages or conversations.

• If you are in danger, call emergency services or a domestic violence hotline. They are trained to help you plan safely and discreetly.

  
  

2. Creating a Safety Plan

A safety plan is a personalised roadmap for protection while still in the relationship.

It may include:

• Keeping important documents (passport, ID, birth certificates) in a safe or hidden place.

• Setting aside emergency money, spare keys, medications, important phone numbers.

• Teaching children how to call for help or where to go in an emergency.

• Establishing safe rooms or exits in the home (rooms with doors, windows, no weapons).

• Identifying trusted neighbours or friends who can be alerted if danger escalates.

3. The Exit Plan

This is the step-by-step process of leaving in a way that considers both emotional and physical safety.

• Choose a time when the abusive partner is away or less likely to be triggered.

• Arrange a safe place to go ~ a friend’s home, shelter, hotel, or family member.

• Inform a support person or professional of your date and time of leaving.

• Have a legal plan if possible ~ protective orders, custody considerations, bank access.

• Turn off location sharing on devices and update passwords, bank access, PIN codes, and social media settings.

Leaving is not just a door closing. It is a layered, strategic act of self-preservation.

You are not weak for staying.You are not selfish for wanting to go.You are not dramatic for asking for help.You are human, and you deserve to feel safe.

8. Healing: The Path to Secure Attachment

Leaving a trauma-bonded relationship, or even recognising it takes tremendous courage. But it’s possible. It begins with self-awareness, support, and somatic safety.

Here are some first steps:

• Acknowledge the pattern without shame. Name what’s happening with clarity and kindness.

• Seek co-regulation  with a therapist, friend, or support group who can help you anchor in truth.

• Practice nervous system repair  through grounding, breathwork, or gentle movement that helps your body feel safe in stillness.

• Rebuild your sense of self  outside of the relationship. Reclaim your voice, your space, your choices.

Final Thoughts...

Staying doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body, brain, and history are trying to keep you alive. Leaving doesn’t always mean walking out the door, it can begin with quietly remembering who you are. Healing doesn’t always start with leaving someone else, it often starts with choosing you.

You are allowed to want love that doesn’t hurt. You are allowed to unlearn the patterns that kept you safe but small. You are allowed to seek support, make a plan, and leave when it is safe, not just when others think you should. Above all you do not have to earn love. You have always been worthy of it.