I JUST WANT TO BE REALLY ME

Becoming Who You Were Before the World Told You to Be Someone Else ~ Unlearning the Roles We Played to Be Loved

So many of us were taught, either directly or through subtle conditioning, that we had to earn our place in the world. We had to be good, be useful, be impressive, be likeable, but not too much.

We learned that worthiness wasn’t a birthright; it was a performance. So we shaped ourselves. Bent ourselves. Silenced ourselves. Not because we were weak, but because we were wired for belonging and survival.

In the environments where authenticity felt unsafe, performance became protection.

Performing Worthiness: When Love Becomes a Role

The Many Faces of Disconnection

As a psychotherapist, I see it every day:

• The woman who says yes to everything, because she was raised to believe love is earned through self-sacrifice.

• The man who never shares his emotions, because vulnerability was shamed out of him before he could even form words.

• The high-achiever who is constantly burned out, but doesn’t know who she is without validation.

They all carry different stories, but underneath is the same wound: “I am not enough as I am.”

They have learnt, "I need to perform and serve, and hide my true needs and feelings to be approved, and welcomed, or worthy."

So they perform worthiness. They become the version of themselves most likely to be accepted, even if it means abandoning their truth.

My Story: When I Let Go of Myself to Be Loved

I remember a time in my life when I confused acceptance with safety. When I learned how to bend myself into shapes that would avoid rejection. I stayed quiet. I minimised my needs. I apologised for my emotions.

I told myself it was maturity, or being “easygoing” but really, I was just afraid. Afraid of being too much. Afraid of being left. Afraid that if I showed who I really was, what I really felt, asked for what I really needed, the love I craved would disappear.

For a while, that strategy worked .I was liked. Acknowledge even, for being so easy and 'good'. But I was deeply lonely, empty and very lost. Connection that costs you your authenticity isn’t connection. It’s survival. In reality, my younger self had sacrifced 'good' attention for real connection. Pleasing others to keep safe, be accepted, and approved of, cost me true connection with myself and left no space for my true identity to form or flourish. I became who others wanted me to be. What was easy for others.

When you play a part for others, there is no space to build a true connection or relationship with yourself.

The Masks We Wore to Belong

The Psychology of Adaptation

From a psychological perspective, these performances are not flaws, they are adaptive strategies.

People-pleasing, perfectionism, emotional suppression… they arise when our nervous system perceives threat, especially in our earliest relationships. We learned that to be accepted, we had to shape-shift.

But what protects us in childhood often imprisons us in adulthood.

Until we become conscious of the patterns, we live them on autopilot. We end up exhausted, resentful, confused about who we are, because we’ve spent so long being who we thought we needed to be.

The Path Back to the Real You

Unlearning the performance starts with awareness.

• Notice when you say yes, but feel a no.

• Notice when your body contracts around a truth you’re not speaking.

• Notice when your self-worth rises or falls depending on external approval.

  
  

Then, gently, without judgment, begin again. Choose a new way, moment by moment.

This is the work of coming home to yourself. It’s not a single decision, but a practice of re-choosing truth over performance.

A client of mine once shared,

“I don’t even know who I am anymore.” So I asked: “Who might you be if you didn’t have to earn your right to exist?”

That became her compass to coming back to herself. Maybe it can become yours too.

Coming Home to the Self Beneath the Performance

Practices for Returning to Self

1. The “Unmasking” Journal Prompt

   • What masks do I wear to feel safe or accepted?

   • What is the cost of those masks?

   • What might it look like to begin taking one off?

     
     

2. Daily Check-In

   Ask yourself:

   • Am I being true to myself right now?

   • Is this action aligned with my values or driven by fear?

   
   

3. Somatic Reconnection

   Begin to reconnect with your body as a source of truth. Notice tension, contraction, or expansion. Let your body’s signals guide you back to alignment. Right feels light.

   
   
   
   

Final Reflection:

Who were you before the world told you who to be? Who might you become if just being was enough? If your worth didn’t need to be earned, only remembered?