What is Bidding in a Relationship?
In relationships, "bidding" is all about those small moments when you or your partner reach out for attention, affection, or connection. This concept, introduced by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, covers everything from a simple smile or touch to asking for help or sharing a story. These small bids, when met with positive responses, can significantly strengthen the bond between partners.
The Power of Turning Towards Your Partner’s Bids
Turning towards your partner's bids means recognizing and positively responding to these small gestures. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that couples who consistently do this are more likely to have long-lasting, happy relationships. Successful couples turn towards each other’s bids about 86% of the time, while those who end up divorcing only do so around 33% of the time.
What Turning Towards Your Partner Offers
When you consistently turn towards each other’s bids, several good things happen:
Stronger Emotional Connection: Responding to bids builds emotional intimacy and a deeper connection. You both feel seen, heard, and valued, which creates a sense of security and trust.
Better Communication: It encourages openness and attentiveness, helping you understand each other’s needs and emotions better.
A Stronger Bond: Each positive response to a bid is like making a small deposit in the emotional bank account of your relationship. Over time, these small moments add up, creating a solid foundation of love and respect.
Better Conflict Resolution: Couples who turn towards each other’s bids are better at handling conflicts. The established connection and trust make it easier to navigate disagreements without damaging the relationship.
How to Make Bids
Making bids can be subtle or direct and often falls into three categories:
Verbal Bids: These include requests for conversation, sharing thoughts or feelings, and expressing needs. For example, saying, “I had a tough day at work,” is a bid for empathy and support.
Non-Verbal Bids: These include gestures like a smile, a hug, or even a glance. Non-verbal bids often communicate a desire for affection or attention.
Action Bids: These include acts of service or doing something thoughtful for your partner, such as making them a cup of coffee or helping with chores.
How to Accept Bids
Accepting bids, or turning towards your partner, involves recognising and responding to their gestures positively. Here’s how you can do it:
Be Present: Pay attention to your partner and be mindful of their verbal and non-verbal cues. Being present means putting away distractions like your phone or television when your partner is making a bid.
Show Interest: Engage with your partner’s bids by asking questions, showing empathy, and expressing interest in what they’re saying or doing. For example, if your partner shares something about their day, respond with genuine curiosity and concern.
Respond Affectionately: Physical touch, such as a hug or holding hands, can be a powerful way to turn towards your partner’s bids for connection. Small gestures of affection can go a long way in showing your partner that you care.
Communicate Your Availability: Let your partner know that you are available and willing to connect. Simple affirmations like “I’m here for you” or “I’m listening” can reassure your partner and encourage open communication.
So here is it, understanding and practicing the art of bidding and turning towards bids is essential for maintaining a loving and fulfilling relationship. By recognising and responding to each other’s bids for connection, you can build a strong emotional bond that stands the test of time. Dr. John Gottman’s research highlights how powerful turning towards your partner’s bids can be in fostering ongoing love and loving behavior throughout the years.
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